1.
i used to miss you, you know, and when i did i'd open up a can of beer and let its scent consume me, they should have named it eau de budweiser; it was the only cologne i ever remember you wearing.

2.
i remember when we used to hold hands. yours were rugged and blistered, but i loved them all the same. i used to randomly stop on the sidewalk to compare the size of my hand to yours, do you remember? i'd hope that one day mine would be just as big as yours. now i realize that your hands weren't that big at all. you are just full of disappointments.

3.
i've been counting the days that you've been gone.
2856 so far, and i'd really like to know whether or not distance makes the heart grow fonder. if so, you have completely lost the ability to show it. honestly, it's not a huge suprise. you've never loved anyone or anything as much as you love yourself.

4.
remember when i was in the hospital for the first time? you called mom after not contacting us for who knows how many years, saying that you wanted to actually be there for your kids and that you still loved us. i said i didn't want to see you. the truth is, i did want to see you, i just wanted to see how much you really meant it.

5.
when i say i hate you, i really don't mean it. i just hate how you drilled perfectionism into my head when you were everything but.

6.
sometimes, when it's really quiet, i sit there and try to listen to my heartbeat; there isn't one. it's been broken and put back together so many times, i don't even bother to salvage the few remaining pieces. i've been dead inside for a long time, you know.

7.
i hope your guilty consumes and destroys you.

8.
i love you, daddy.